(Not so) Wordless Wednesday. This is Clementine. My poopy monster, cuddle bug, and therapy dog. I adopted her in June 2013. She can be a real shit sometimes, but I heart her to pieces and she has brought such joy into my life. She has helped with my anxiety and depression. We definitely saved each other’s life.
Robin Williams, one of the best.
Robin Williams, dead at age 63. What an incredible shock and loss. He suffered from depression, some say bi-polar. Mental illness can affect anyone, and should always be taken seriously. Here is my video tribute to this incredible actor and comedian.
First, I cannot praise this article enough. It is spot on. 10 Ways to Show Love to Someone with Depression. READ IT. You can thank me later.
I decided last night, just before I went to bed, that I wasn’t going to group today. It’s probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but I’m physically and mentally tired. Plus, each day is like Groundhog’s Day. First I fill out my daily assessment and the RN comes in and goes around the room asking how everyone is doing. We get about 10 minutes each to brain dump with her and then the RN leaves, and the social worker comes in and goes around the room asking how everyone is doing. Same ten or so minutes, not much deviation from the brain dump we just spouted less than an hour ago. Then she leaves, and the recreational therapist comes in. Rinse. Repeat. Before you know it, it’s noon, and you leave. I feel like I’ve accomplished next to nothing. It’s only been two days but if this is what it’s like everyday, how is this supposed to help?
Self assessment for today: I was feeling pretty lonely last night, but people and friends had plans. So, food and Chris Hemsworth kept me company. I’m feeling pretty low today. Not much different from yesterday. I’m not suicidal, but What’s the goddamn point still teases my brain. Three hours a day in a group setting isn’t going to cut it for me so when I do go back next week, I’m to ask Dr. G about the long-term outpatient program. I need that structure combined with individual therapy.
Goals for today:
If I get more done, GREAT! If not, at least I accomplished these two things. Baby steps. More later about a conversation that I had this morning with ze German. OH, and I’m looking forward to my video chat date with Sean tonight. I’m glad there’s one thing in my day that’s worth looking forward to.
I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday, 3/4, and she recommended that I got to a one week program called CROP (Critical Referral Outpatient Program). It’s for one week, 9am to noon. It’s a group setting. I appreciate the structure and camaraderie with others that have similar experiences to mine.
Wednesday was my first day, and I left feeling good. I accomplished a few things when I got home. Called a new therapist and made an appointment. I found an orthopedic doctor to take a look at my knee. But as the day gave way to evening, my mood began to drop. An empty house definitely magnifies my loneliness. And ze German let me know that he and LS are planning a date next week. I immediately felt my insecurities rising. During our conversation, I begged ze German to please be very honest with me about where their relationship was headed. I told him that she’s the one person who causes a large amount of insecurity for me. I know that this is largely for me work through, but I asked for his understanding and complete transparency. ze German told me that he and LS just trying to see what’s what, and he wasn’t sure where things are headed. He did ask me what was it about LS that made me feel insecure. It’s kind of a laundry list of things: part of my insecurity comes from the fact that they used to have a playful D/s relationship. Also, she seems to know him better than I do. At least, that’s my twisted perception. That they have actual grown up conversation, she’s educated and much smarter than I. That he’s always been attracted to her. I’m jealous of her creative ability which is something I used to have in spades, but have lost my creative desire and desperately want it back. Oh, and that she’s almost always perky and therefore even more attractive. Of course, the other part of my insecurity, regardless of who it is, is that he will become intimate with them and never with me again. (Background: we haven’t had sex or shared more than a kiss or hug in over a year) It’s an issue between us that I have a VERY hard time dealing with because my skin and my soul desperately need to feel touched. It’s like my skin has this thick coating of ice, and I wonder if there will ever be a fire that will melt it and release me. Of course, after allowing myself to be a bit vulnerable, I got no response from ze German.
Today, Thursday, I still didn’t have a response from ze German. He’s sent me all of two text messages. And what I find funny, a gent that I’ve just started dating has checked in with me more than my primary partner. This makes me quite angry and somewhat out of sight, out of mind. I woke up, not suicidal, but somewhat hopeless. Like, what’s the point. I did get a few things out of the group. Mainly some things that I deeply identify with are things that came to light as other participants shared. Thankfully, I brought a notebook. So, here are the things that I took away from today’s group:
My first goal for today was to call the Comptroller of MD to find out where my refund is. They’re so goddamn quick to take your money but slow as molasses when it comes to returning it. Don’t the know that I could use that $250. My second goal was to finally download Christmas 2013 pictures from my camera. I have yet to do this and doubt that I will today. And my last goal for today was to write. I think the above brain dump makes that something I can check off my list.
Fingers crossed that tomorrow will be better but I’m not exactly hopeful in my present state of mind.
That Kind of Woman 